i was there when you wrote always and forever
I here hoping you''l come in with the rain.
the other girls may be pretty but would they write a book for you


I'm lieing on the floor,
you're walking out the door,
i can't really know
how this should go
but why were you here
drinking my beer
why did you call
we could go to the mall
but then i wonder why you show up
its the moment i have almost finished
i've cleared ut all my memories
but here they are again
writing songs dancing in the rain
i need what you respresent
strong smart caring superb
but now i'm crying
you'll never love me like that

I'm pretty sure my time thinking about chris is totally lost between here and seattle career oriented smart wonderful cute guy and i'm just me wishing i would have talked to him more back in the day but those butterflies kept me quiet and they are still there but as i've grown they have too but now they help me in my journeys instead making me wait. Now I have the courage but not the opportunity . I want him to be happy and do what he loves and maybe someday have time or room in his heart for me.the night i didnt know where i was in swanzey and needed help his voice was more help than any google search he did to get me back to civilization. talking to me all night brought me back to the nights on amy's couch when i just bursting to say everything i'm feeling aa i give him advice on his relationships and life and he sits there playing guitar hero with no idea that i'm other than a good friend. but now its him telling me how to hold on to my life when i've hit rock bottom and talking about being a cyborg while i'm wishing telling you the truth wouldn't ruin at least 2 friendship no matter how you respond. someday it won't matter and my heart will just burst out allthe things i've been dieing to tell you. i sit here knowing that i've alway had this feeling since esc key and he was the only one who was nice to me that day he let me play his video game. i know he would have done it for anyone but thats why i like him.

I see that look on your face
You ain’t hearing what I say
So I’ll say it again
‘Cause I know where you been
And I know how it ends
You can’t get away
Don’t even look in his eyes
He’ll tell you nothing but lies
And you wanna believe
But you won’t be deceived
If you listen to me
And take my advice

i wont love you anymore than i have to i will live in old memories until i have new ones that create the happiness i once lived on the problems i facce now may be the end me but you wont me you wont deny me that love which you held so dearly in my last breathe you wont deny me that for somewhere deep within you you stilll feel it and remember why it was there how it came to be and why you havent just disposed of it because somewhere inside of you there is hope that someday i'll still be and still love you but i'm sorry i wont be here that long im leaving this world to meet my creator and hope he knows how to fix me.

i wish you loved me but you becoming you is far more important.

15 year old bull shit sent to my friend accusing me of playing her like a pawn. i guess if i was carrying the chhild of a guy who constantly cheats on me and if i had gained a bunch of weight like that and now am worried about the future of my child i would be insecure and agressive toward anyone who may be in your man's pants...i know you stalk my accounts and now my friends to find out if i know what i shouldnt i hope this gets to you in time if not have a good holiday and remember dont forget the love you find in the bedroom is not as strong as that you will find in your heart.


now that we've dealt with that lets get on with lives...
dance in december all the girls are going to back in town and we shall show up in force and to reinforce are current standing. also the after thanksgiving extra turkey day is going to great! oh and i'm going to be in wochester for the weekend before thanksgiving just a heads up so no hell raising! this weekend will be quiet one spent in keene dancing in the starlight hoping for snow. i love the beauty of keene in the snow its lovely. i'll watch for the one i wanted so long ago but he is on another coast becoming who he is meant to be. i am here writing songs about how broken i am and then cutsie things only taylor swift would sing. my world is lost.

Leave me here with my thoughts I will never forget my Love.

tell me something true and trying to break me doesnt work like that i have to be attached to you before i care what you think.

mara has been nothing but a bitch to me i plan on being civil. hope i dont just explode and loose control it wont be a safe place to have a seizure but a tear shed for beautifully done ritual probably okay. paige gives me hell everytime i cry during ritual but its beautiful and meaningful and makes me appreciate that some human at one point at least thougght it would be awsome if everyone was respectful to everyone. it will only last a few hours it will be fine. i can hold myself together for the chevelier, guessing CoL and maybe the flower talk? i hope so those are my favorite bits of ritual and the ones i have memorized. someday. this semester cant come to an end quick enough i need to write a paper on spartacus this week and see if i can do some extra project for accounting to get my grade up. wrote extra endings for clockwork so hopefully :-/ johnny 5 over and out GI Joe

 10 truths

10. I put up away messages when i am upset and stay on my computer just to see who cares enough to send me a message.
9. I have had a crush on this guy forever but telling him could mean the end of 3 friendships so i'll never tell.
8. the guy mentioned above is known by pretty much everyone i know.
7. I love burgers that are barely cooked.
6. I love reese's and pretty much anything that puts chocolate and peanut butter in my mouth at the same time.
5. I help people because i lik eto make people happy and i know at the moment i can't be so someone should be.
4. i want to loose 100lbs but am not doing anything to work toward that goal.
3. I am afraid to tell people i care because everyone i care about leaves or stabs me in the back or both.
2. I love alot of foods that make me have horrible breathe and i don't really care. 
1. I gossip a lot and love it. yes i realize this makes me a horrible person. 

okay so there it is. I love you boy with a name i cant mention here.

I'm sorry i missed birthdays but whether it matters or not i mentioned them in my written journal. i have been remembering back in the days when i had someone read this and people made note when i said something stupid but now i am just writing here and its no better than talking to myself. this isnt my usual keyboard so if i'm way off just let it go i just know i need friends like i had back then to support the craziness that goes on in my mind. but til then whatever sleep night.

i've recently relized either that i dont think i want anything to happen between me and him because i think it would just suck if it didnt work out. I dont think i am every really going to be good enough for him and not that he doesnt think i am good enough but he is an amazing human being and i'm just not. I'm hardly functioning. and seriously if any more of us girls date/sleep with/whatever him its going to get weird.

On another topic I kind of wish things could rewind like 5 maybe even 6 years, to one of the few whole days that i remember from the last 6 years i got out of school went home put on "real clothes" (i wore pjs to school most days because i just didnt bother to get dressed mroe than a sweatshirt.) asked my grandfather for a ride down town and he dropped me off under the parking garage on storrs street with $20. I climbed the stairs on the side of the parking garage while i did my eye liner and threw my hair into a bun, walked across the square to esc key smoking a marboro not because i needed a smoke but because it was part of my person at that point. I flicked it into the fountain that was still on for once. went inside to talk to talk to bryan and had to act like i was actually a customer for once because bruse was there... okay i'm done the rest of the story makes me sad and its not worth it.

these notes are from imgfave.com pictures that i just felt said what i needed to way better...

a note to someone out there who isnt reading this:
Addiction is tricky. For example a man who quit smoking for 11 years spent 15 seconds in an elevator with a man smoking a cigarette. He gave in. What I think I'm trying to say is I think I love you again.

a note for someone who is reading this:
Love like you're eighty.
Fuck like you're eighteen.

a note why i take pictures all the time:
Keep the picture;
they never change...
the people in them do.

a note to me:
be honest even when it hurts.



Because of that last note I am writing this last paragraph.
I love alot i wish english wasnt my native laguage because love can mean so many different things in english. I love my demolay friends (excepting one) like brothers like family demolay is one of the many reasons i wish i was a boy. I love josh as this great friend I wish i still had I have no idea how that worked when it did but i miss him. I love Klien romanticly and i miss him and him being the cute boy I left crying a long time ago, I guess we've grown up and we can be those crazy kids any more sending eachother back to our lives a little bruised and a little more happy. I love Joe and I hate him I cant really have one emotion without the other and I couldnt have the parts of joe i loved (inside jokes) without the parts I hated (his ability to date half of NH at the same time). I love chris b not sure why not sure how but thats a little unrequited love for the list. okay i'm a big liar i know why i love him hes the smartest guy i've ever known, he's tall skinny the glasses...I can talk to him about everything all night and we take forever to get off the phone and secretly i hope we never do and we coudl talk about anything at all and i would be happy just to tlak to him but for now all these talks are about the girls he likes and and who likes him and I sit there and listen tears down my cheek I watch everyone "love" him in their own ways and i stand here and wonder what if i would have had more nerve back then or now or ever. never gonna happen. 

so now that some of you know who some of them are and are weirded out sorry. i just had to get it out somewhere or one of these days i was just going to explode to him and tell him and mess up the friendship we have. or maybe it wouldnt maybe not maybe it would be a fairytale but since i'm not ussually that lucky lets let well enough alone.

She never mentions the word addiction
In certain company
Yes, shell tell you shes an orphan
After you meet her family

She paints her eyes as black as night, now
Pulls those shades down tight
Yeah, she gives a smile when the pain comes,
The pains gonna make everything alright

Says she talks to angels,
They call her out by her name
She talks to angels,
Says they call her out by her name

She keeps a lock of hair in her pocket
She wears a cross around her neck
Yes, the hair is from a little boy
And the cross is someone she has not met, not yet

Says she talks to angels,
Says they all know her name
Oh yeah, she talks to angels,
Says they call her out by her name

She dont know no lover,
None that I ever seen
Yes, to her that aint nothing
But to me, yeah me,
Its everything

She paints her eyes as black as night now
She pulls those shades down tight
Oh yeah, theres a smile when the pain comes,
The pains gonna make everything alright, alright yeah

She talks to angels,
Says they call her out by her name
Oh yeah, yeah, angels
Call her out by her name
Oh, angels
They call her out by her name
Oh, she talks to angels
They call her out
Yeah, they call her out
Dont you know that they call her out by her name

1. There's only one opening line: "Hi, I'm Nikki." Everything else is cheese.
2. Never show her you're impressed. It lowers your market value.
3. You've got to look like a rebel before you look like a sensitive guy.
4. You can't go wrong with girls' tennis.
5. Cook her dinner. It doesn't matter if you can cook or not. Girls grade on effort. It is almost better when the meal is a flop.
6. When a girl tells you you're not getting any, before you ask....before you even try...you're getting some.
7. You want to give them a good fucking. But not too good. Leave a little room for the relationship to grow.
8. I always follow up a meaningless fuck with a chatty phone call. An easy call after a lay can go a long way.
9. I am homeless, carless, and completely unreliable. But I do have a cell phone, that happens to be right beside her. That is right baby, 19 other offers and I am here creating equity with you.
10. Think of it as an point system: 1 for flowers. 2 dinner. 3 for an orgasm. You need 26 points for them to trust you. Then you can go back to watching football.

I cant sleep as ussual these days and i can't stop thinking about how i am letting everyone down. Like i sat in Dover a couple weeks ago and they were all talking about their acheivemnts and i was silent because I dont have a diploma from anywhere. I had a GED and a zillion credits because i couldnt handle high school and i cant make up my mind in college. I got the 2nd highest SAT score in my school I have a GPA of 3.89 and I have been in college for what 5 years now. But what do i have to show for this? My family stopped refering to me as the genius and started referring to me as the perpetual student. My friends are going out into the world and doing things getting masters degrees having kids bettering the country, making video games, and what am i doing i'm accumulating credits.. I wanted to do something with my life but i keep getting stopped by surgery, seizures, financing, lack of friends. I have a lot of decent friends I am everyone's go to girl for everything but i have no go to girl who am i supposed to call? when i have a problem when i'm sick when I am crying i sit in my room and write in this stupid online journal because there is noone i can count on to answer their phone. i spent a good hour tonight helping a friend who got lost coming back from florida. I spent a few dozen hours in the last week helping my socially awkward friends through romantic endevours. I spent my money for this month fixing my grandfather's car. I cant sleep, i cant speak, i can t do anything honestly at the moment because in between helping friends and getting ready to start school i put aside jsome of my own feeling so that a couple of my friends will be happy. My anxiety has gotten so bad that i have a had a few seizures in the last month instead of a few months between seizures. I cant talk to anyone about this though because those i would normally trust with this info are involved in this. i broke up with my boyfriend because i couldnt even count on him to answer the phone or my ims or voicemails or texts. I hide all these thoughts, i wont even show my friends my art anymore because someone might notice that i'm not okay. I want to be okay like i used to be i want to know people care about me. i want to know i am loved, in anyway at all.

Love Drunk by boys like girls
The top down in the summer sun
The day we met was like a hit an run
An I still taste it on my tongue
The sky was burning up like fireworks
You made me want you oh so bad it hurt
But girl, in case you haven’t heard

I used to be love drunk
But now I’m hungover
I’ll love you forever
Forever is over
We used to kiss all night
Now it’s just a bar fight
So don’t call me crying
Say hello to goodbye

Cause Just one thing would make me say
I used to be love drunk
But now I’m hungover
Ill love you forever
But now it’s over

Hot sweat and blurry eyes
We’re spinning on a roller coaster ride
The world stuck in black and white
You drove me crazy every time we touched
But now I’m so broken that I can’t get up
Oh girl, you make me such a lush

I used to be love drunk
But now I’m hungover
I’ll love you forever
Forever is over
We used to kiss all night
Now its just a bar fight
So don’t call me crying
Say hello to goodbye

Cause Just one thing would make me say
I used to be love drunk
But now I’m hungover
Ill love you forever
But now it’s over

All the time I wasted on you
All the bullshit you put me through
Checking into rehab is everything that we had
Didn’t mean a thing to you

I used to be love drunk
But now I’m hungover
Ill love you forever
But now it’s over

I used to be love drunk
But now I’m hungover
I’ll love you forever
Forever is over
We used to kiss all night
Now it’s just a bar fight
So don’t call me crying
Say hello to goodbye

Cause Just one thing would make me say
I used to be love drunk
But now I’m hungover
Ill love you forever
But now it’s over

Now it’s over
I still taste it on my tongue


oh your a douche!

writing down the questions i wont answer in the future to be sure not to lie about these indiscretions
why is your phone dead?
why haven't you been sleeping?
have you heard from __(insert male friend here)__?
what were you doing when i called?
who are you texting?
why did you have to up you text message alottment?
what is on your neck?
why are 5 guys you have liked in the past your missed calls?
Who are your missed calls from?

alluding to something doesnt mean it happened!

"Scottie doesn't know!"

"my girls in the next room sometimes i wish she was you"

"tell me all that you've thrown away"

"make sure i know who's taking you home"

"do it for the teenagers and do it for you mom"

"heaven aint close in a place like this"

"stop right there, thats exactly where i lost it"

"gonna take a while for this egg to hatch"

"your the very reason i keep a pack of the magnums"

"i heard about the cool guys that you spent them with"
 

 SO this weekend was alot of pass the boy and violence and reconnecting and bad comments and public displays of affection. all i can say was it was good. hospital checkin tomarrow at 8am. i'll be there for a while so all my site will be quiet for a little while... watch for my other updates tonight in more detail. 

I had a razor tongue tonight when asked if i thought my boyfriend was cheating on me and replied with "if i wanted someone to cheat on me i would have dated Joe" even more so when i was asked who was worse off in that chapter room her name ringed in my head and then i blurted out my unsual answer and moved on. i was later asked in reference to the aformentioned comment "with a tongue that sharp do you ever get cut your self and i replied "everyday" under my breath and then said "i try not to." really people who do you think i sharpen this tongue on? think it just comes likes this... damn the idiots in this town. 

votes are in you loose. some day you will look back and realize that was the point he stopped caring. you pay someone to watch him while he's away wow that is low. now i feel really bad for you and feel sorry for all i have said its gotta suck pretty hardcore to have to do that. Pity is what i have for you now when i look at oyu i will feel sad for you and you will know it. as good as the sex is as "special" your "connection" is that shouldnt have to be true. i shead a tear for you. sad strange pretty little girl.


Imaginary friends are best if kept out of the bed room.
Sam

if looks could kill...shit bad blood much. too bad she didnt smiel much it was a cute dress. i havent heard the flower talk for real in forever and that was awsome almost cried a hundred times its just so i dont know the kids we saw tippy's age are now our demolays?!?!?! the ritual coudl have been better but the funniest was when DT was evenon the right page for the lines he was trying to feed....the mass boys are still looking nice. nice turn out. hope to go to more events. i dont know what it is about demolay but if just renews my hope for humanity.
oh by the way nice hickeys. open post tell me what oyu think.....oh and i rick james'd monicas face....

thursday : Lunch-in for Alliance. Shopping. Installation of Officers Demolay Keene.
Friday spending the night at my aunts to get all the details of the week down
Saturday 4th party at my aunts place man made or nature made fireworks and grillin!
Sunday more grilling partying and possibly volleyball!
Monday Same!
Tuesday Same!
Wednesday Same!
Thursday Same!

Everyoen should stop by places to crash people to chill with with plenty of parking. call me beep me text me im me email me smoke signal just let me know! or not.

If you got a problem state it. call me im me email facebook myspace livejournal what ever medium you want but just fucking tell me don't pansy ass around do go tell your boys my friends or your little notebook under your mattress tell me what your think i aint no mind reader sitting here i just feel ignored i im you you ignore me i call you i get fucking voice mail a simple hey i'm busy tonight would be awsome but whatever. very close to not taking that trip friday. why bother go all the way out there when we can party here alot cheaper. do cry do bitch just tell me whats up when i said i loved you i meant it what the fuck were you talking about.